Saturday, June 23, 2012

Second Post of the Day.... which I wonder if I may have Adult ADD. I've been sitting around reading blogs (well one blog, which led me to the second blog, which I am still reading. I have also been on Pinterest, Twitter, Facebook, and Gmail. I think I said that in my other post.) Anyway, one of the blogs I've been reading chronicles the life of a mom of four kids, all of whom have special needs ranging from ADHD to Asperger's. She herself has also been diagnosed with Adult ADHD and I just read a post about how she just started medication for it and how wonderful and productive she felt that day. Now I am a firm believer in Better Living Through Chemistry, and if medication has helped solve, or at least maintain at a functional level, my anxiety, depression, and GERD, then if I have ADHD and something out there can make me more functional and doesn't cost a billion dollars, then why not?

Now first of all I don't want you people to go thinking I have self-diagnosed (even though I sort of have) and am running out this minute to purchase black-market speed. Are you crazy? That crap is probably WAY expensive and if I get an actual diagnosis by a doctor who I already see on a monthly basis, then I can get a generic for like $4 a month instead of $4 a pill. So stop worrying, Mom, this is not just a quest for more medication, it's just a quest for productivity.

Which brings me to the reason I started writing in the first place. I'd love to be a more prolific blogger--who wouldn't love to make a living swigging coffee and playing on the computer in their pajamas all day?--but I have just never been able to keep at it for any length of time, usually more than about 2 weeks. This one has been the exception, but as you can see in my posting history, I'm still sporadic at best.

So the real real reason I started writing was to chronicle my journey from reading blogs to Doing Something Productive. I was talking to Bob about the symptoms of ADHD that I have--not the hyperactivity, but never being able to finish anything (like a sentence) such as washing dishes. It is only through God's good grace that we ever have clean dishes, because this blessed apartment has a dishwasher. But some things either can't be washed in it or just don't fit. So I have a habit of putting things in the dishwasher and whatever doesn't fit just has to wait. I'll wash what I need if it's urgent, but usually it waits several days. Or Bob washes it. (That's usually what happens.) I'll get started, and halfway through decide I am done, and go wandering off. Sometimes I leave washed, but still wet, dishes in the sink and they get dirty again just by association with the yet-unwashed dishes.

Well, I decided I was GOING TO WASH DISHES, DAMMIT (sorry Mom.) I actually said this to Bob, in hopes it would help me finish the job. I said, "I am going to wash the dishes, just you watch." And then he didn't say anything. I watched the back of his head. He did not turn around to watch as I had commanded. So I said, "Did you hear me?" Then he turned around and I repeated what I just said. I went in the kitchen and looked at the dishes. Then I realized that I had to go to the bathroom. And I had a headache. So I went to the bathroom first so I didn't forget to. (Yes, I HAVE forgotten to go to the bathroom.) As I was getting on with it, I thought, "I need to remember to get some headache medicine while I'm in here. Did I weigh myself today? I don't think so." So I weighed myself. Then I washed my hands and thought, "I need to get some hand soap for the kitchen sink so I'm not always using Dawn every time I need to wash my hands. The sink is dirty. Should I wipe it down now? I have those Clorox wipes conveniently under the sink for occasions just such as these. No. I am on a Mission. To Wash Dishes. This can wait. I need to get medicine." So I reached into the medicine cabinet and doled out my two acetaminophen and single ibuprofen, noticing that we were dangerously low on both. "I need to check these off on my grocery list so I don't forget." I left the bathroom, took the medicine with me to where the grocery list (which is one of two, both of which have a magnetic strip on the back to hang on the fridge--neither of them is on the fridge) sat quietly on the coffee table. I searched for a pen and checked off pain reliever and hand soap on the list (haha! I remembered!)

Now, as you may have forgotten, my Mission is to Wash the Dishes. To actually Finish. I put up the clean dishes--a spoon, a pot, and a bowl, which I placed on top of the stack then rearranged because we have Fiestaware and I don't like two dishes of the same color to be stacked directly on top of one another.

Hold on, I have to check my email. I signed up for this ADD newsletter about how to manage things and get them done when you have ADD and I just got like 5 emails from it and I can't stand having that number in parentheses staring at me, waiting.

Okay. Focus. Focus focus. I checked my email, which included a link to the "Clear Clutter the Fantastic Never-Tried Way That I Have Developed Just For You Because I Am A Psychologist and Very Special Human Being" document. I opened it and started reading--well skimming, cause it was a lot of garbage I probably don't really need--and found a whole lot of stuff that, sure enough, I already know. Small steps, duh. Have everything you need before you start, duh. I KNOW THAT. The point is that I just don't do it. Then I hopped back over a couple of Chrome tabs and looked back at the Mommy blog for a minute and realized I was in the middle of writing a blog post. (This happens every time I write a post, I'm just trying to illustrate my logic behind thinking I may have ADD.)

So. The dishes. I poured the water out of the soaking chicken dish from Thursday, ran the disposal, and proceeded to wash it. Then I washed the colander. I put some silverware into the dishwasher, along with a coffee mug. I washed another dish, and a pot that had some residual water staining on it and I didn't know if it was just hard water or actually dirty. Then I had to dry those dishes so I had room on the mat for the dishes I still had to wash. I put one up, then had to rearrange it all because one dish had to fit inside another and it was full of pot lids. Now I return to the remaining dish, which is leftover from when I tried to make no-bake chocolate peanut butter oatmeal cookies yesterday, which did not set up right and now I eat them out of the pan with a spoon. They're still good, I just couldn't take them to Sally's for dessert last night so I ended up having to go by Gigi's and get some cupcakes. They were awesome, but they use too much icing I think, and also it was 5 p.m. on a Friday in June and traffic was awful.

Anyway, the pot is all sticky with chocolate and sugar residue, and little bits of oat are cemented to it, so clearly the best thing to do was to put hot water in it and let it soak, probably for several days.

Sleep Schedule Fail

So at about 11 last night, I thought to myself, "Self, you must utilize your access to prescription medication with the objective of getting a full night's sleep, else you will fail parlously in any endeavor in which you partake tomorrow." Or something like that.

Well at 8:30 this morning I awoke to hear my cell phone alarm dingling away happily in the kitchen, and I staggered out of bed to silence it. I considered, briefly but not seriously, staying up, and then I staggered back to bed, thinking I'd sleep for another hour or so and then get up and do something.

Fast forward to time of waking. Roll around bed for awhile, sit up and put on glasses, smack phone to turn the light on and it's 1:30.

Obviously the day is over and there is no point whatsoever in trying to actually do anything, so all I have done all day is sit on the couch or floor and read blogs, check Pinterest, Facebook, Gmail, and Twitter. With the TV on in the background. Occasional snacks.

While I enjoy days like these on some level, and in fact during the course of the day do not actually feel any desire to do anything, I always like having the feeling at the end of the day of HAVING done something. I have done NOTHING today. AT ALL. This just makes me a failure at so many things, but my logic is, since I have already failed for the day by sleeping until 1:30, there is no longer any point in trying, so I might as well just do whatever the hell I want. So there.