There has been a LOT going on in the past month. While Bob and I had wanted to get moved into an apartment before Thanksgiving (or have me moved in and gradually truck his stuff up here) to avoid Christmas traffic around 280, we did not expect to be signing a lease on Halloween. It was a surprise, but a good surprise, and for the past 26 days there have been a lot of revelations.
1. People try to be honest, but they make mistakes, and sometimes you have to pay for their mistakes. We ended up having to pay an additional $100 deposit AFTER signing the lease because our leasing agent made a mistake. Now, I normally would have been extremely upset about this but he had told us in previous conversations that he worked 2 jobs and had a newborn at home, so I understand that brains don't always work at full capacity. But it was still an aggravating situation, and I still don't think it was fair.
2. When you make $8.50 an hour, you can practically feel your money crawling out of your pockets on an hourly basis. As Bob and I still have separate checking accounts, mine is going to take a BIG hit on Dec. 1 due to rent payment. Every time I go to the grocery store or check the mail, I feel the pain of my bank account. However, while I have not been able to contribute much to my savings account lately (and by "much" I mean "any") I have also not taken anything out, and that feels good.
3. If you have warm pajamas and a coffee-maker, you can be perfectly comfortable with the thermostat set on 65.
4. Having a couch makes a huge difference in the comfort level and completeness of your living room. Sitting on a pillow in front of the coffee table makes you look like a broke college student--which is fine when that's what you are, and you're the only person who lives there.
5. If you work 9-6 with two-year-olds, no matter what, you will NOT come home and say to yourself, "I think I'll spend the next 45 minutes fixing dinner from multiple raw ingredients." You're going to say, "What's the fastest, easiest-to-clean thing I can fix?" even if that thing is bagel bites or oatmeal, and you had the same thing for breakfast.
And the revelations just keep coming. I have eaten a LOT of noodles with butter, Kraft macaroni and cheese, sandwiches, oatmeal, and chips for meals lately. Part of the exhaustion may come from the stress of wedding planning, which has gotten better now that I've almost finished my thank-you notes and I finally downloaded the music for the ceremony and reception. We have just three weeks until the wedding and I'm so ready to be done with it all. Bob has been sick, which has not made it easier, but he's getting better and that has helped. He's been able to spend some time at the apartment the past couple of weekends, which brings me to the reason I titled this post "He loves me anyway."
Bob came over Wednesday evening as I was preparing the sweet potato casserole for our Thanksgiving meal with my grandparents in St. Clair county. I had to start with ACTUAL SWEET POTATOES, NOT canned ones, which is a big thing for my family. So I had a lot more to do that I am used to, even though I like to cook and bake. I will typically turn some music on when I'm in the kitchen, and because I'm usually alone, I have no problem dancing and singing along when I'm working. But I've never let Bob see me at this because I didn't want to scare him away. Well, Wednesday night, "Circle of Life" comes on my Pandora station and he looked at me, shook his head, said something to the effect of "You're special." And he left at that.
This is one of the very, VERY few things I have kept from him in the years leading to our marriage (like my blanket. It's still here, just inside my pillowcase.) But the gloves are coming off, and apparently he still wants to hold my hand. This is good.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Changes
Hi guys, I hope you're all doing well and enjoying the lovely changes in our Alabama weather here lately. Since coming home from Ireland I hate Alabama summer weather more than any other--I'd rather stand in cold rain than in the sun and humidity of an August morning in Birmingham.
And now on to more interesting things than weather. First of all, I have a job! It isn't my dream job, but it's related to my field and it's full time. I am a teaching assistant at Covenant Classical School in the two-year-old class. We have NINETEEN kids: Makenzye, Price, Landon, Neel, Chloe, Harris, Anna Lilia, Rhys, Taylor, Gabe, Kinzey, Laylan, Hudson, Kyra, Connor, Lorelei, Cal, Olivia, and Cole. Every single one makes me laugh, roll my eyes, and question my sanity each and every day, and I'm so happy to have the opportunity to work with them.
The other assistant teacher, Stephanie, and lead teacher, Charla, are awesome people to work with every day, too. They make me laugh more than the kids do, and we have so much fun organizing the room, planning lessons, ranting about the kids, and making fun of each other. Stephanie is about 5 years older than me and a mother of two, and Charla is more like 20 years older than me, so we're an interesting crew. I'm totally exhausted when I get home, but it's so much better to be tired from work rather than tired from stress about not working.
On the wedding front, I have now gotten us a photographer, florist, preacher, invitations, and rings. We are down to 67 days. It's time to start addressing invitations and getting my dress altered. It's time to start combining finances, working out living arrangements, finding furniture, and planning for a move. I'm also trying to get used to having almost no free time, whereas before I had almost nothing BUT free time. It's different, but good different.
That's all for now, because I am so tired that I usually go to bed around 9:30 during the week now. So goodnight.
And now on to more interesting things than weather. First of all, I have a job! It isn't my dream job, but it's related to my field and it's full time. I am a teaching assistant at Covenant Classical School in the two-year-old class. We have NINETEEN kids: Makenzye, Price, Landon, Neel, Chloe, Harris, Anna Lilia, Rhys, Taylor, Gabe, Kinzey, Laylan, Hudson, Kyra, Connor, Lorelei, Cal, Olivia, and Cole. Every single one makes me laugh, roll my eyes, and question my sanity each and every day, and I'm so happy to have the opportunity to work with them.
The other assistant teacher, Stephanie, and lead teacher, Charla, are awesome people to work with every day, too. They make me laugh more than the kids do, and we have so much fun organizing the room, planning lessons, ranting about the kids, and making fun of each other. Stephanie is about 5 years older than me and a mother of two, and Charla is more like 20 years older than me, so we're an interesting crew. I'm totally exhausted when I get home, but it's so much better to be tired from work rather than tired from stress about not working.
On the wedding front, I have now gotten us a photographer, florist, preacher, invitations, and rings. We are down to 67 days. It's time to start addressing invitations and getting my dress altered. It's time to start combining finances, working out living arrangements, finding furniture, and planning for a move. I'm also trying to get used to having almost no free time, whereas before I had almost nothing BUT free time. It's different, but good different.
That's all for now, because I am so tired that I usually go to bed around 9:30 during the week now. So goodnight.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Not really that funny
Hey guys, as promised, I didn't abandon the blog, I was just overwhelmed with other things. And here's the thing, I like my posts to be funny. Like really funny, not just make you smile but hopefully get a chuckle and if I'm having a good night, make you snort just a bit. But being that funny is rarely a natural thing. I had never thought about it much until I read some of the FAQ on Hyperbole and a Half (one of the best blogs I've ever read). Allie shares that yes, her entries are hilarious, and she works HARD to make them that way. I'm sure she's really funny in real life, too, but when she's telling a story to her friends, I imagine it probably doesn't come out the way it does when she's spent a month or more going from idea nugget to full comedic wonder. And now that I think about it, most humor writers are probably the same.
Take Dave Barry. He's awesome. True, some of his humor is a little dumb (which is what makes it funny), and he relies a lot on booger, fart, and sex jokes. Those are fairly easy to make, but sometimes it takes revision to decide where to put them. When I write a post, I usually revise it two to three times before I post it. Those jokes don't just happen. It takes careful thought, and involves more editing than I typically put into my college essays.
I say all this so that you understand that when I'm not posting, it's because I am waiting for an idea good enough to spend that kind of time and effort on. I haven't forgotten; in fact, I have a running list of ideas that are just waiting for me to throw a little more exaggeration on top. But work and wedding plans are sucking up much of the ocean that was my creativity, so that now in my free time it's actually more of a creek. I promise I'll be back. Ooh, The Lion King!
Take Dave Barry. He's awesome. True, some of his humor is a little dumb (which is what makes it funny), and he relies a lot on booger, fart, and sex jokes. Those are fairly easy to make, but sometimes it takes revision to decide where to put them. When I write a post, I usually revise it two to three times before I post it. Those jokes don't just happen. It takes careful thought, and involves more editing than I typically put into my college essays.
I say all this so that you understand that when I'm not posting, it's because I am waiting for an idea good enough to spend that kind of time and effort on. I haven't forgotten; in fact, I have a running list of ideas that are just waiting for me to throw a little more exaggeration on top. But work and wedding plans are sucking up much of the ocean that was my creativity, so that now in my free time it's actually more of a creek. I promise I'll be back. Ooh, The Lion King!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I promise I haven't abandoned this blog!
To those of you who check my blog on occasion (probably not many unless I share the post on Facebook) I promise I haven't abandoned or forgotten it. I actually have a list of things to write about, as well as a graphic organizer listing subtopics and specific anecdotes to share. The thing is, I have to really be in a blogging mood. I apologize if I spoiled you in the beginning by posting almost every day. That, however, is just my personality. I get obsessive over things for short bursts of time (one of the blog topics on my list) and then completely abandon them until the urge strikes again. There has also been quite a lot of adjustment lately with Bob moving home, because that means I'm spending the majority of the free time we have in common with him. My free time, which takes up most of my days, is spent alternating between moping and being depressed over being jobless, and being so overzealously excited about a new listing that it doesn't occur to me that I might not get the job--until I don't, and then I get depressed again. I don't want to think about how many wonderful teachers out there are doubting both their career choice and their ability due to the {expletive} economy and the fact that the people in charge of budgeting and rule-making in education have no idea what education really is.
That's all for now, but rest assured, I WILL blog again. Maybe one day I will even have a blogging schedule, with topics mapped out ahead of time! Ooh, that means I get to make a chart.... *scurries off to make a schedule which will get buried under other desk junk and unearthed in a frenzy, then thrown away in a fit of self-loathing for never following through on creative projects*
That's all for now, but rest assured, I WILL blog again. Maybe one day I will even have a blogging schedule, with topics mapped out ahead of time! Ooh, that means I get to make a chart.... *scurries off to make a schedule which will get buried under other desk junk and unearthed in a frenzy, then thrown away in a fit of self-loathing for never following through on creative projects*
Saturday, August 6, 2011
The Problem with Bathing
Bathing is a necessity, and there are two common methods to go about doing it: Baths or showers.
The image of a bath is typically quite a calming one, especially to women. We picture a large tub, possibly marble, in a large but cozy room lit by candles. There may be a large quantity of bubbles seductively obscuring the woman's naughty bits, or there might be rose petals floating in the water. There will be some sort of fragrance wafting through the room (typically floral), large fluffy towels folded neatly near the tub, and soft music playing gently in the background. The woman (it is always a woman) is reclined in her luxurious bath with her head resting on a soft cushion or towel, eyes closed but not sleeping, enjoying hours upon hours of warmth and relaxation.
News flash: This is not a real bath. Not even a bath in my sister's enormous bathroom with the marble jetted tub is like this. Part of the reason might be that I only have access to this tub when she's away at work, which is during the day when the sun is shining directly onto the tub, horning right in on my private time. So there go the candles. Also, if you've ever used a jetted tub, they advise that you not pour bubble bath in there if you do not want to make the room look and smell like the Bath & Body Works factory exploded in there. And only ridiculously rich people with maids and butlers have rose petals floating in the tub, because they are the only ones who can afford plumbers to keep getting the soggy rose petals out of the jets.
Now, you always see people enjoying baths by reclining their heads and closing their eyes. When I do this, I invariably fall asleep and wake up 45 minutes to an hour later in cold water, and usually very unhappy, which destroys the purpose of taking a bath in the first place. (The purpose of taking a bath is NOT to get clean unless you are under age 5. More on this later.) My sister maintains that the way to remedy this is to sit in the warm bath until it starts to get less than a comfortable temperature, and then you turn on the jets--which, in her tub, are also fitted with handy little heaters that re-heat the water before shooting it up your bum. That sounds great at first. But then you have the issue of having to wait for the bath to get almost chilly. And then, once you heat the water back up, it gets too freaking HOT! I cannot be the only person who notices this. If a bath is hot enough to be worth taking, then it makes me sweaty. I don't want to be sweaty in the bath. I want to be able to read a book in peace without dropping it in the water because I had a bead of sweat roll into my eye and make it burn.
So now I'm in the bath, probably too hot because I'd rather have a hot bath than a cold one. And I've gotten sweaty because of the heat. Now I have to wash myself whether that was initially on the agenda or not. Well, this sucks because of several things:
1. It is incredibly difficult to wash your hair in a bathtub, assuming you have more hair than Humpty Dumpty. So it swirls around, enjoying the pool party and apparently drinking a little much Suave because it gets so rowdy that it stirs up a whole bunch of suds, which continue to cling to your hair even after you have rinsed it 4 times. And now you must use conditioner to de-tangle, leading me to....
2. All your soaps mix. Most of us use one or two products on our hair, and a different type of soap for our bodies, and another for our faces, and possibly something else to shave with. So you've got three to five different scents and sudsy mixes floating around in the water, creating some sort of disorganized local militia of smell which would be bombarding your nose if you weren't stuffy due to the humidity you have created. So now you've got facial-exfoliating microbeads on your feet and shampoo bubbles running down your back from your hair because you couldn't rinse it all out, and your hands are slippery from the conditioner and it won't rinse off because there are too many other soaps in the water. What do you do next? You....
3. Shave. Most women use shaving cream or gel. This stuff does not dissolve in water unless you squeeze it into little shaving-cream-molecules too small to see, and even then it still floats and clings to your skin, keeping you from stepping from tub to bath mat without slipping and landing on the side of the tub, injuring your personal regions. Hopefully you are done washing and rinsing your hair at this point, because if not you will end up with fruity shaving stuff in your hair, and also possibly bits of leg hair on your face (plus water in your ears). And by this point you're sick of the whole thing so you decide to get out, which is just as frustrating because....
4. Drying off after a bath can take FOREVER because you are so waterlogged. It's like your pores soak up all this water, and as soon as you get out of the tub they start realizing, one by one, that hey, they feel a little bloated. So just as soon as you finish drying off the first time, you realize that you are still wet. So you dry off again. Just after you put on your underpants you will feel a trickle running down your back from your hair, which you did not towel-dry first because if you did there would be no dry space on the towel left for your body. So now you are having to wipe up the water on your back before it seeps its way down to your panties and makes you feel and look like you did that time in kindergarten you wish people would stop talking about. And then you have to start wringing your hair through the towel to get the excess water out, which is no good because each strand is capable of producing up to a gallon of water per hour. (Nobody knows why this is so, it is one of the great mysteries of the female body. Males do not have this problem.) You do this, and then realize that the backs of your knees/armpits/feet are still wet, so you go back to them with a now-nearly-sopping towel. By the time you are done with that and about to put more clothes on, your hair starts dripping again and you start over.
Eventually, you may or may not end up semi-dry, mostly clean, with clothes on. About this time, with your clothes probably just a little damp in places from the water (or sweat) still materializing, you'll realize that your skin is magically both damp and dehydrated simultaneously. So what you have to do is rub lotion onto your skin and hope that, as promised on the bottle, it "seals in the moisture" so tightly that those annoying little drops of water couldn't blast their way out of your pores with a cannon. (Although the cannon might help vaporize some of the excess liquid.)
And let's face it, showers are just a pain cause you have to stand up the whole time.
The image of a bath is typically quite a calming one, especially to women. We picture a large tub, possibly marble, in a large but cozy room lit by candles. There may be a large quantity of bubbles seductively obscuring the woman's naughty bits, or there might be rose petals floating in the water. There will be some sort of fragrance wafting through the room (typically floral), large fluffy towels folded neatly near the tub, and soft music playing gently in the background. The woman (it is always a woman) is reclined in her luxurious bath with her head resting on a soft cushion or towel, eyes closed but not sleeping, enjoying hours upon hours of warmth and relaxation.
News flash: This is not a real bath. Not even a bath in my sister's enormous bathroom with the marble jetted tub is like this. Part of the reason might be that I only have access to this tub when she's away at work, which is during the day when the sun is shining directly onto the tub, horning right in on my private time. So there go the candles. Also, if you've ever used a jetted tub, they advise that you not pour bubble bath in there if you do not want to make the room look and smell like the Bath & Body Works factory exploded in there. And only ridiculously rich people with maids and butlers have rose petals floating in the tub, because they are the only ones who can afford plumbers to keep getting the soggy rose petals out of the jets.
Now, you always see people enjoying baths by reclining their heads and closing their eyes. When I do this, I invariably fall asleep and wake up 45 minutes to an hour later in cold water, and usually very unhappy, which destroys the purpose of taking a bath in the first place. (The purpose of taking a bath is NOT to get clean unless you are under age 5. More on this later.) My sister maintains that the way to remedy this is to sit in the warm bath until it starts to get less than a comfortable temperature, and then you turn on the jets--which, in her tub, are also fitted with handy little heaters that re-heat the water before shooting it up your bum. That sounds great at first. But then you have the issue of having to wait for the bath to get almost chilly. And then, once you heat the water back up, it gets too freaking HOT! I cannot be the only person who notices this. If a bath is hot enough to be worth taking, then it makes me sweaty. I don't want to be sweaty in the bath. I want to be able to read a book in peace without dropping it in the water because I had a bead of sweat roll into my eye and make it burn.
So now I'm in the bath, probably too hot because I'd rather have a hot bath than a cold one. And I've gotten sweaty because of the heat. Now I have to wash myself whether that was initially on the agenda or not. Well, this sucks because of several things:
1. It is incredibly difficult to wash your hair in a bathtub, assuming you have more hair than Humpty Dumpty. So it swirls around, enjoying the pool party and apparently drinking a little much Suave because it gets so rowdy that it stirs up a whole bunch of suds, which continue to cling to your hair even after you have rinsed it 4 times. And now you must use conditioner to de-tangle, leading me to....
2. All your soaps mix. Most of us use one or two products on our hair, and a different type of soap for our bodies, and another for our faces, and possibly something else to shave with. So you've got three to five different scents and sudsy mixes floating around in the water, creating some sort of disorganized local militia of smell which would be bombarding your nose if you weren't stuffy due to the humidity you have created. So now you've got facial-exfoliating microbeads on your feet and shampoo bubbles running down your back from your hair because you couldn't rinse it all out, and your hands are slippery from the conditioner and it won't rinse off because there are too many other soaps in the water. What do you do next? You....
3. Shave. Most women use shaving cream or gel. This stuff does not dissolve in water unless you squeeze it into little shaving-cream-molecules too small to see, and even then it still floats and clings to your skin, keeping you from stepping from tub to bath mat without slipping and landing on the side of the tub, injuring your personal regions. Hopefully you are done washing and rinsing your hair at this point, because if not you will end up with fruity shaving stuff in your hair, and also possibly bits of leg hair on your face (plus water in your ears). And by this point you're sick of the whole thing so you decide to get out, which is just as frustrating because....
4. Drying off after a bath can take FOREVER because you are so waterlogged. It's like your pores soak up all this water, and as soon as you get out of the tub they start realizing, one by one, that hey, they feel a little bloated. So just as soon as you finish drying off the first time, you realize that you are still wet. So you dry off again. Just after you put on your underpants you will feel a trickle running down your back from your hair, which you did not towel-dry first because if you did there would be no dry space on the towel left for your body. So now you are having to wipe up the water on your back before it seeps its way down to your panties and makes you feel and look like you did that time in kindergarten you wish people would stop talking about. And then you have to start wringing your hair through the towel to get the excess water out, which is no good because each strand is capable of producing up to a gallon of water per hour. (Nobody knows why this is so, it is one of the great mysteries of the female body. Males do not have this problem.) You do this, and then realize that the backs of your knees/armpits/feet are still wet, so you go back to them with a now-nearly-sopping towel. By the time you are done with that and about to put more clothes on, your hair starts dripping again and you start over.
Eventually, you may or may not end up semi-dry, mostly clean, with clothes on. About this time, with your clothes probably just a little damp in places from the water (or sweat) still materializing, you'll realize that your skin is magically both damp and dehydrated simultaneously. So what you have to do is rub lotion onto your skin and hope that, as promised on the bottle, it "seals in the moisture" so tightly that those annoying little drops of water couldn't blast their way out of your pores with a cannon. (Although the cannon might help vaporize some of the excess liquid.)
And let's face it, showers are just a pain cause you have to stand up the whole time.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Weddings
Weddings. There are several parts to a wedding: the bride, the groom, the other people, the clothes, the food, the flowers, and the place to name a few. These are the issues I’m going to address today.
The Bride: This is the lady that is getting married. Hopefully by the time she begins referring to herself as “bride,” she has actually been proposed to by another consenting adult, though this is not always the case. This woman usually undergoes some drastic changes once the ring is placed on her finger; for one, suddenly every other person in her life exists solely to help her plan her wedding. They have no other life other than to see that EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of the Bride’s wedding day is ABSOLUTELY PERFECT OR ELSE. Also, even if she is six-foot-four and weighs only 87 pounds, it is a wedding commandment that the Bride Must Lose Weight. Everyone involved in the wedding is expected to a) tell her that she is crazy, she is not fat and she should NOT lose weight but also b) be supportive of her efforts, because otherwise they are just Being Mean. After all, the wedding is all about HER; she just happens to have a guy standing beside her, hopefully the consenting adult who gave her the ring, but again this is not always the case.
The Groom: This guy decided that he loves his female counterpart enough to spend too much money on a present that will become more important than he is. At least we hope he decided this, sometimes the female (now called the Bride, see above) uses tactics such as threats or blackmail to make this happen. Once the proposal is over, any control the Groom has had in this relationship is gone, so he might as well get used to it.
The Other People: These people, as stated previously, exist only to Make the Bride’s Day Perfect. They do this by staying quiet, taking extensive notes, and drinking a lot of adult beverages.
The Clothes: These include the groom’s and groomsmen’s attire (which will be a black tuxedo), the bridesmaids’ dresses (which will be a lurid color that does not exist in the natural world, is not appropriate for any season, and does not go with any neutral color so shoes are impossible to find. Also these dresses must have some bizarre detail, like a green-and-orange leopard-print peacock feather on the butt), and the Bride’s Wedding Dress. The Wedding Dress’s job is to make the Bride look like a cross between a wedding cake and the world’s most holy prostitute, because it must be white, it must be poofy, it must be elegant, but it also must be sexy. We will not go into what the Bride must wear UNDER the dress, because it might make some readers feel faint.
The Food: The type and amount of food offered at a wedding reception varies according to the Bride’s taste and the formality of the event. Caterers will tell you that at the bare minimum, though, your menu should include Cocktails, Appetizers, Soup, Salad, Main Course, Dessert, and After-Dinner Drinks. Oh, and your Wedding Cake which must be a minimum of four tiers, each being frosted with at least 2 inches of buttercream underneath a half-inch of fondant, which tastes disgusting but is a Must for an Elegant Cake, which will not taste as good as the Duncan Hines boxed mix despite the fact that it cost more than your college education.
The Flowers: All of the bridesmaids will be allergic to them, and Aunt Bertha will have an asthma attack because of the fumes.
The Place: This is one of the first things the Bride and Groom must secure in planning a wedding, because in the United States there are approximately fourteen venues appropriate for weddings, and eight of them are beaches in Hawaii. The remaining six have been booked since the Reagan administration, so you need to get your name on the list as soon as possible, unless you are getting married in a month other than January, February, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, or December. In that case you should probably call the morning of, just to be sure.
So far, this has been my experience with weddings, or at least this is what TLC tells me. Quite honestly, if I had my way, we’d elope and then spend two weeks in Switzerland. We aren’t, but I think we’ll make do.
The Bride: This is the lady that is getting married. Hopefully by the time she begins referring to herself as “bride,” she has actually been proposed to by another consenting adult, though this is not always the case. This woman usually undergoes some drastic changes once the ring is placed on her finger; for one, suddenly every other person in her life exists solely to help her plan her wedding. They have no other life other than to see that EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of the Bride’s wedding day is ABSOLUTELY PERFECT OR ELSE. Also, even if she is six-foot-four and weighs only 87 pounds, it is a wedding commandment that the Bride Must Lose Weight. Everyone involved in the wedding is expected to a) tell her that she is crazy, she is not fat and she should NOT lose weight but also b) be supportive of her efforts, because otherwise they are just Being Mean. After all, the wedding is all about HER; she just happens to have a guy standing beside her, hopefully the consenting adult who gave her the ring, but again this is not always the case.
The Groom: This guy decided that he loves his female counterpart enough to spend too much money on a present that will become more important than he is. At least we hope he decided this, sometimes the female (now called the Bride, see above) uses tactics such as threats or blackmail to make this happen. Once the proposal is over, any control the Groom has had in this relationship is gone, so he might as well get used to it.
The Other People: These people, as stated previously, exist only to Make the Bride’s Day Perfect. They do this by staying quiet, taking extensive notes, and drinking a lot of adult beverages.
The Clothes: These include the groom’s and groomsmen’s attire (which will be a black tuxedo), the bridesmaids’ dresses (which will be a lurid color that does not exist in the natural world, is not appropriate for any season, and does not go with any neutral color so shoes are impossible to find. Also these dresses must have some bizarre detail, like a green-and-orange leopard-print peacock feather on the butt), and the Bride’s Wedding Dress. The Wedding Dress’s job is to make the Bride look like a cross between a wedding cake and the world’s most holy prostitute, because it must be white, it must be poofy, it must be elegant, but it also must be sexy. We will not go into what the Bride must wear UNDER the dress, because it might make some readers feel faint.
The Food: The type and amount of food offered at a wedding reception varies according to the Bride’s taste and the formality of the event. Caterers will tell you that at the bare minimum, though, your menu should include Cocktails, Appetizers, Soup, Salad, Main Course, Dessert, and After-Dinner Drinks. Oh, and your Wedding Cake which must be a minimum of four tiers, each being frosted with at least 2 inches of buttercream underneath a half-inch of fondant, which tastes disgusting but is a Must for an Elegant Cake, which will not taste as good as the Duncan Hines boxed mix despite the fact that it cost more than your college education.
The Flowers: All of the bridesmaids will be allergic to them, and Aunt Bertha will have an asthma attack because of the fumes.
The Place: This is one of the first things the Bride and Groom must secure in planning a wedding, because in the United States there are approximately fourteen venues appropriate for weddings, and eight of them are beaches in Hawaii. The remaining six have been booked since the Reagan administration, so you need to get your name on the list as soon as possible, unless you are getting married in a month other than January, February, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, or December. In that case you should probably call the morning of, just to be sure.
So far, this has been my experience with weddings, or at least this is what TLC tells me. Quite honestly, if I had my way, we’d elope and then spend two weeks in Switzerland. We aren’t, but I think we’ll make do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)